just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Randomize
