So drunk its hurt
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
