final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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