My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
they need to just BURY HIM!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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