I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
