this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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