bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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