Please, let me fuck your mom
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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