At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
