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Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
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