his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
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Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
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Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.