Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?