it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
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when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
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Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.