the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
