I wish they made helmets for livers.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed