You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.