Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...