Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?