dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
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You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
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I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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