He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Randomize
