I am in a vortex of obligation.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
