the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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