Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
