is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
