My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
