Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
