we have pet lesbian snakes
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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