seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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