you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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