And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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