If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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