I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
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There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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