I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
