if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
