Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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