I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
