Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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