why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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