The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
