she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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