Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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