Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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