I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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