dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
