I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
