My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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