your parents love me but you hate me
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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