I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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