You can't special order awesome
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
