I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
