I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
