Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
