Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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