You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
