did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
