I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
