Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
