Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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