Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
