If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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