Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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